As the avalanche of celebrity sexual predators continues to build, it is becoming harder and harder for these men to come up with excuses, apologies, and promises that sound in any way honest and repentful... Until Now!!
Thanks to the magic on the interwebs, old and young white men across media, hollywood, and sports now have a simple one-stop shop to create the perfect, sincere, seeking help' apology - with just the right amount of self-loathing and virtue-signaling - with just one click...
Meet The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator
Source
Some of our favorites include...
"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."
"As the father of daughters, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I “honked” her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior."
"As a male feminist, the allegations against me are troubling. I will devote my life to finding the real Golden Globes party molester, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will get the help I so desperately need because this isn’t actually my fault, I have a problem so I’m not responsible for my actions."
"As someone who grew up in a different era, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). It was a very long time ago, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I have chosen to live my life as a gay man so if you say anything bad about me now you’re homophobic."