There really is no difference between the bully and the victim.-Lady Gaga
By all accounts, I was a real smartass as a teenager.
One favorite and reoccurring smartass remark I remember well is that whenever my parents blamed something on, "they," I would inevitably ask them, "who is they?" The conversations would go something like this.
Mom: "I can't believe how much we spend on gas. 95 cents a gallon! Unbelievable."
Dad: "Well, you know how they are, they got to make their God-damned money."
Mom: "Yes. I know. They just don't care. Nothing we can do about it."
Me: "Who is they? And do they make you drive that big-heavy Dodge 4x4 truck and that Ford Mustang with a 302 V8?"
Mom: "Stop being a smart ass. You know what we mean."
I never really understood that my parents were behaving like victims. I just thought that I was a smartass. However, I now understand that I did adopt some of their victimhood mentality. Fortunately, not all of my role models as a child played the victim. My grandfather, a veteran of WW2, is one example of someone that never played the victim. Somewhere along the line I developed a self-reliance that I believe has allowed me to overcome most of my learned victomhood, and later I developed my sense of gratitude that seems to have enabled me to effectively recognize and overcome the remaining tendencies that still arise in me from time to time.
Most if not all of this personal growth was unconscious to me as it occurred over the course of about thirty years. I became aware of it only after frequent observation of the victimhood mentality in others, such as US Foreign Policy, Israeli Foreign Policy, Venezuela's Presidents, Black Lives Matter, Wounded Warrior Project, my alcoholic brother, my problem customers, my former business partner, etc. My desire to understand victimhood behavior recently led me to read a book with a title that would have normally put me off, Real Love and Freedom for the Soul - Eliminating the Chains of Victimhood, by Greg Baer, M.D.
Here is the description from Amazon:
At the root of all our anger, our feelings of separation from each other, and our problems in relationships is our belief that we have been victimized: we believe we have been hurt, slighted, or treated unfairly in some way. In Real Love and Freedom for the Soul you will learn about this disease of victimhood. As you read Real Love and Freedom for the Soul, you will learn the real reason you often feel angry and resentful toward other people, how you can eliminate the anger that is destroying your individual happiness and your relationships, why businesses often fail, why so many of our children are angry and rebellious, the real cause of racial prejudice in the world, and how you can achieve a level of freedom and peace you never before imagined possible. With Real Love, nothing else matters; without it, nothing else is enough.
http://www.amazon.com/Real-Love-Freedom-Soul-Eliminating/dp/1892319284
In reading this book, I learned that the author was a surgeon for 20 years, not a psychiatrist. His surgical career gave him ample opportunity to observe thousands of actual victims, and many patients just playing the victim. Subsequent life events seem to have enabled him to then synthesize his observations into a very deep and compelling understanding of victimhood. Fortunately for the reader, the author is able to clearly communicate this understanding, and his many experiences in addressing victimhood during his second career as a counselor, in this very well written book.
After reading the book, I am able to better recognize when I and others are playing the victim, and most importantly, I now have more and better tools to effectively address these behaviors in a healthier way, and not just be a smartass.
Peace,
h_h